Thesis

Anyone like me who is in the process of completing a masters (or Ph.D.) thesis fully realizes the annoyance potential of friends and family. Really annoying doesn't even begin to describe the fury and depression inspired by that infamous question. The one that gives graduate students sweaty palms and elevated heart rate just at the mere mention of "How is your thesis going?" (or its other form "When is your thesis going to be finished?").

In the beginning it will be innocent and even well-received but as time goes on that one little question will open the flood gates on doubt, uncertainty, frustration and hopelessness causing the acute stress response known as fight of flight. You may think that it can't possibly be that bad and that I am exaggerating; but dear reader you are wrong. This feeling is so ubiquitous, so pervasive that it has been immortalized in Ph.D. Comic's strip about Thesis Etiquette (remember that Ph.D. Comics is the quintessential guide to graduate student life, feeding and care). So yes it really is that bad, and yes that is how we feel when asked that question.

If that isn't bad enough, people ask this question again and again and again. At first I assumed it was ignorance, but even after politely explaining the ramifications they continue to ask! So I can really only conclude that they have this misbegotten notion that harassing you constantly is somehow helping you finish faster. Again with the wrongness! Think of someone standing over your shoulder saying "Are you done yet? Are you done yet? Are you done yet? Are you done yet?" Do you think that would make you finish your task faster? No! It would only irritate the $%^& out of you and make you want to throw someone off a bridge. So....

Seriously, you are reading this blog so you are probably smart, funny and sexy so if you know a graduate student please raise above your baser instincts and distinguish yourself from the rest of the morons. Show compassion and sympathy, if you want to support them in their academic efforts give them free food and offer to proof-read their work. I am now very much looking forward to all the comments and messages asking - sincerely - how my thesis is going.

After I graduated I did a foolish, foolish thing. I chose to start a Masters degree in Computer science. Note the emphasis on start. I can hear the virtual masses mocking me; of course by masses I mean all five of you. But wait! I have an excuse! I graduated just after the .com crash, seeing dismal job prospects I decided to stick around for some higher education. I had other delusions at the time: "a masters degree will help with my career!" Now I am sure that two extra years would have bolstered my career as a programmer much more than a masters. But really, who doesn't want to be the master of something. And have the paper to prove it!

I started as a young graduate full of enthusiasm, imagining the how great my research could be. The doors that it could open and even potentially a career as a professor! Don't fret friends, the delusion was temporary. Time wore on and my enthusiasm dwindled, my straight and narrow path to glory begin to meander leaving the potential greatness scattered in my wake.

Then I committed the ultimate academic mistake - fatal to my academic career yet with a net positive effect - I defected. I started to work in the industry.

Two years later I am realizing that my leave of absence is about to end and that it is time to get my ass in gear and finish what I started. I am also realizing that I haven't really even looked at my work in the past two years, so getting back into the swing of things is painful. That coupled with the seemingly magnetic repulsion that I have developed towards my thesis make it exceptionally hard to work on.

Here I am editing and reflecting on my academic past. I have definitely learned a few lessons:

1. Ph.D. Comics is the closest and most realistic portrayal of grad life. Any future grad student should read every single comic strip to understand what they are in for. You can swear that you will be different than Slackenery, but better individuals have been wrong.
2. The rate at which your research becomes obsolete is slightly faster than the rate at which you can research. This is even more pronounced for my own rate of research!
3. Free food only comes second to free money.
4. Graduate student labs rarely have windows.
5. 

   Campus life - you know, everything but the researchy-working stuff you are supposed to be doing - is absolutely awesome. I miss being on campus. Especially chillin' with a friend in the middle of Johnson Green eating frosties and listening to Aerosmith. The fact that we were illegally parked on campus in a place where there really isn't a parking spot only makes the memories sweeter.

6. (Added July 17, 2007) It is beyond annoying when people continually harass you about your thesis.
7. Lastly, try to keep all of your referenced papers in pdf form, indexed and searchable from your computer. Trying to find a bit of information from a single paper can be a bitch when you have to delve through a stack!

Time to get back to work, I really gotta get this monkey off my back.